It’s Okay to Say ‘I Don’t Know’

Why It Matters

There’s a strange pressure in the world to always have an answer. At school, kids who raise their hands are praised. On the playground, the kid who “knows everything” gets attention. It can start to feel like not knowing is the same as being dumb.

But think about it: if you pretend to know something you don’t, what happens? You might give wrong information. You might get caught and look worse than if you’d just said “I don’t know” in the first place. And worst of all, you close the door to actually learning the answer, because you’re too busy pretending you already have it.

“I don’t know” is actually the starting line for learning. Every scientist, every doctor, every builder, every artist started by not knowing. The ones who got good at their work are the ones who were honest about what they didn’t know and then went and figured it out.

There’s an even better version: “I don’t know, but I’d like to find out.” That’s the sentence that opens doors.

A Story

Two Answers on the Field Trip

Ms. Alvarez’s class went on a field trip to the natural history museum. They stopped in front of a giant skeleton of a dinosaur called an Allosaurus. Ms. Alvarez asked, “Does anyone know what period this dinosaur lived in?”

A boy named Caleb raised his hand immediately. “The Ice Age,” he said with total confidence. A few kids nodded. It sounded right. But it wasn’t — the Allosaurus lived in the Jurassic Period, millions of years before the Ice Age. Caleb didn’t know the answer, but he didn’t want to look like he didn’t know, so he said the first thing that sounded science-y.

A girl named Amara had also been thinking about the question. She wasn’t sure of the answer. She raised her hand slowly and said, “I don’t know what period it’s from, but I think it was a long time before humans existed. Can we read the sign to find out?”

Ms. Alvarez smiled. “Great instinct, Amara. Let’s read the sign together.” The sign said Jurassic Period, about 150 million years ago. Ms. Alvarez turned to the class. “Notice what Amara did. She didn’t know the exact answer, so she said what she did know, admitted what she didn’t, and suggested a way to find out. That’s exactly how real scientists think.”

Caleb felt embarrassed. He hadn’t meant to say something wrong — he’d just felt the pressure to have an answer, any answer. On the bus ride home, he sat next to Amara. “How did you not feel weird saying you didn’t know?” he asked. Amara shrugged. “My grandmother always says that ‘I don’t know’ is the beginning of finding out. I’d rather say I don’t know and learn the real answer than make something up and feel silly later.” Caleb thought about that for a long time.

Vocabulary

Admit

To say something that’s true even when it’s uncomfortable, like admitting you don’t know something or admitting you made a mistake.

Bluff

Pretending you know something or have something when you don’t. Bluffing might work in card games, but in real life it usually catches up with you.

Curiosity

The desire to learn and understand things. Curiosity is what makes you ask questions and look for answers. It starts with not knowing.

Humble

Not pretending to be more than you are. A humble person can be very smart and still say “I don’t know” when they don’t know.

Guided Teaching

Let’s be honest: saying “I don’t know” can feel scary. Why do you think it feels scary to say you don’t know something? Usually because you’re worried people will think you’re dumb, or because everyone else seems to know and you don’t want to be the only one who doesn’t.

But here’s what actually happens when you say “I don’t know”: most people respect it. They think, “That person is honest.” And if you add “but I’d like to find out,” they think, “That person is honest and curious.” That’s a combination people admire.

What happened to Caleb when he pretended to know the answer? He said something wrong in front of everyone, and he felt worse than if he’d just said “I don’t know.” The thing he was trying to avoid — looking like he didn’t know — ended up being exactly what happened, but bigger.

What did Amara do differently? She was honest about what she didn’t know, said what she did know, and suggested a way to find the answer. She didn’t bluff. And the teacher praised her for it.

Here’s something important: “I don’t know” is not the same as “I’m stupid.” What’s the difference? “I don’t know” means you haven’t learned this particular thing yet. That’s it. It says nothing about how smart you are. The smartest person in any room is usually the one most comfortable saying “I don’t know” — because they’ve learned that not knowing is the first step to knowing.

There are actually different kinds of “I don’t know,” and some are better than others:

“I don’t know” by itself is honest. “I don’t know, but I think maybe...” shows you’re thinking about it. “I don’t know, but I’d like to find out” shows curiosity. “I don’t know, and I don’t care” is honest but lazy. Which of these do you think leads to the most learning?

Can you think of something you don’t know right now that you’d like to find out about? That feeling — wanting to know something you don’t know yet — is curiosity. It’s one of the best feelings there is. And it only exists because you were willing to notice what you don’t know.

For Discussion

1. 1.Why did Caleb say “The Ice Age” when he didn’t really know? Have you ever done something like that?
2. 2.What did Amara’s grandmother mean when she said “I don’t know is the beginning of finding out”?
3. 3.Is there a difference between not knowing something and being dumb? Explain.
4. 4.Can you think of a grown-up you respect who sometimes says “I don’t know”? How does that make you feel about them?
5. 5.Why is “I don’t know, but I’d like to find out” better than just “I don’t know”?
6. 6.When might “I don’t know” be an excuse rather than an honest answer? How can you tell the difference?

Practice

The I Don’t Know Challenge

1. 1.For three days, keep track of every time you want to say something you’re not really sure about. Instead of making something up, try saying “I don’t know” or “I’m not sure.”
2. 2.Each time you do it, notice: Did anyone think less of you? Did anything bad happen? Did you end up learning the real answer?
3. 3.At the end of the three days, talk with a parent about what you noticed.
4. 4.Bonus challenge: find one question you said “I don’t know” to and go find the answer. It could be by looking it up, asking someone, or trying something. See how it feels to go from not knowing to knowing.

Memory Questions

1. 1.What wrong answer did Caleb give about the dinosaur? Why did he say it?
2. 2.What did Amara do instead of guessing?
3. 3.What is bluffing, and why does it usually backfire?
4. 4.What’s the difference between “I don’t know” and “I’m stupid”?
5. 5.What are some good ways to say “I don’t know” that show you’re still thinking?