What Does the Other Person Want?

Why It Matters

You negotiate every day. You just don’t call it that. When you and your parent disagree about bedtime, that’s a negotiation. When you and your friend can’t agree on what game to play, that’s a negotiation. When your teacher says the project is due Friday and you want until Monday, that’s a negotiation. Any time two people want different things and have to figure out an arrangement, negotiation is happening.

Most people negotiate badly because they start with what they want and never stop to think about what the other person wants. They walk in thinking, “How do I get my way?” instead of “What does the other side need, and how can I connect that to what I need?”

Here’s why this matters: if you only think about your own side, the only tools you have are pushing, begging, and demanding. But if you understand what the other person wants, suddenly you can trade, solve problems, and find options that nobody saw before. Understanding the other side doesn’t make you weaker. It gives you more to work with.

This module will teach you six practical negotiation skills you can use this week. But they all start here: with the ability to genuinely ask, “What does the other person actually want?”

A Story

The Orange Problem

Two sisters, Mia and Tessa, were fighting over the last orange in the kitchen. Their mom was about to cut it in half — the obvious compromise — when their dad walked in and asked a simple question: “Wait. What do you each want the orange for?”

Mia said, “I want to eat it. I’m hungry.” Tessa said, “I need the peel. I’m making candied orange peel for my baking project.”

Their dad smiled. “So Mia wants the inside and Tessa wants the outside.” He peeled the orange, gave the fruit to Mia and the peel to Tessa. Both sisters got everything they wanted. The problem that seemed impossible when they were fighting over the same object disappeared the moment someone asked what each person actually needed.

Their mom, who had been about to split the orange in half, laughed. “I was about to give you each half of what you wanted when you could have had all of it. That’s what happens when you solve the wrong problem.”

The orange story is famous among people who study negotiation because it illustrates the most common negotiation mistake in the world: fighting over positions (“I want the orange” / “No, I want the orange”) instead of understanding interests (“I want the fruit” / “I want the peel”). Positions clash. Interests can often be satisfied together — if someone thinks to ask.

Vocabulary

Negotiation

A conversation where two or more people with different wants try to find an arrangement they can both accept. It’s not a fight to win — it’s a puzzle to solve.

Position

What someone says they want. “I want the orange” is a position. Positions often clash, and when two positions directly oppose each other, it looks like someone has to lose.

Interest

Why someone wants what they want — the real need underneath the stated position. “I’m hungry” and “I need the peel for baking” are interests. Interests are usually more flexible than positions.

Compromise

An outcome where each person gives up something to reach an agreement. Splitting the orange in half would have been a compromise — both get something, but neither gets everything. Sometimes compromise is necessary. But often there’s a better solution hiding behind the positions.

Guided Teaching

The orange story seems almost too simple. Of course you’d ask what each person wants the orange for. But here’s the thing: in real life, almost nobody asks. When people disagree, they immediately start fighting about positions — “I want this” / “Well, I want that” — without ever stopping to understand the interest underneath.

Think about a recent disagreement you had with someone. What was your position — the thing you said you wanted? Now think deeper: what was your interest — the reason you wanted it? Are they the same thing?

Here’s an example. You say to your parent: “I want to stay up until 10.” That’s your position. But your interest might be: “I want to finish this show I’m watching” or “I don’t feel tired yet and I don’t want to lie in bed bored.” Your parent’s position is: “Bedtime is 9.” Their interest might be: “You need enough sleep to function at school tomorrow” or “I need quiet time in the evening.”

If you only look at the positions — “10 o’clock” vs. “9 o’clock” — it looks like a zero-sum fight where someone wins and someone loses. But if you look at the interests, suddenly there are options. Can you finish the show by 9:30? Can you read in bed quietly so your parent gets their quiet time? Can you go to bed at 9 on school nights and 10 on weekends?

The magic of interest-based negotiation is that it turns a tug-of-war into a puzzle. In a tug-of-war, one side has to lose. In a puzzle, there might be a solution that gives both sides most of what they care about. You don’t always find a perfect solution. But you almost always find a better one than you’d get by just fighting over positions.

Here’s the practical skill: before your next disagreement, ask the other person a genuine question: “What is it you really need here?” or “Help me understand what matters to you about this.” Then actually listen. Don’t listen to find holes in their argument. Listen to understand what they need. That understanding is your most powerful negotiation tool.

One more thing: sometimes when you ask what the other person really needs, you discover that your interests aren’t actually in conflict. You were fighting about positions that clashed, but your underlying needs can both be met. That’s the orange situation. It doesn’t always happen, but it happens much more often than people think — because most people never bother to ask.

Can you think of a time when you and someone else were fighting over a “position” but your real interests were actually compatible? What would have happened if someone had asked, “What do you really need here?”

For Discussion

1. 1.What was the difference between Mia and Tessa’s positions and their interests? Why did understanding the interests solve the problem?
2. 2.Why was splitting the orange in half a worse solution than what their dad found? Can you think of other situations where the “obvious compromise” misses a better answer?
3. 3.Think about a disagreement you’ve had recently. What was your position? What was your real interest underneath it?
4. 4.Why do most people jump straight to positions instead of asking about interests?
5. 5.Can you think of a negotiation in your daily life — bedtime, screen time, chores, games with friends — where understanding the other person’s real interest could open up new options?
6. 6.What’s the difference between asking “what do you want?” and asking “why do you want it?” Which question is more useful in a negotiation?

Practice

The Interest Dig

1. 1.Pick a real or recent disagreement with a family member — something small like what to eat for dinner, what movie to watch, or when to do homework.
2. 2.For each person involved, write down: (1) Their position — what they said they wanted. (2) Their interest — why they wanted it (ask them if you’re not sure).
3. 3.Now look at the interests side by side. Are they actually in conflict? Or could there be a solution that addresses both interests?
4. 4.Try brainstorming three possible solutions that address both people’s interests — not just compromise (splitting the difference) but creative solutions that satisfy the “why” behind each position.
5. 5.Discuss: which of the three solutions is best? Is it better than what you would have come up with if you’d only fought about positions?

Memory Questions

1. 1.What is the difference between a position and an interest? Give an example.
2. 2.In the orange story, what were Mia’s and Tessa’s positions? What were their interests?
3. 3.Why was splitting the orange in half a worse solution than what their dad found?
4. 4.Why is asking “what do you really need?” the most important question in any negotiation?
5. 5.What does it mean to turn a tug-of-war into a puzzle?