Giving When It Costs You Something

Why It Matters

Everybody loves a story about a generous person. Not as many people love the actual feeling of being generous, because the actual feeling often includes a little bit of ‘ow.’ A gift that hurts a tiny bit — not because you are being forced, but because you are choosing to give something you wanted to keep — is different from a gift that costs you nothing.

This does not mean every gift has to hurt. Giving away a book you never read, or a toy you outgrew, or money you were not going to spend anyway — those are fine things. They help the person who gets them. They are not wrong. But they are a warm-up. They are not the main event.

The main event is when you had something you genuinely wanted for yourself and you decided, on purpose, to give some of it to somebody else. That is the kind of giving that slowly changes a person from the inside. Gifts from your leftover leave you exactly the same as you were. Gifts from your portion slowly make you different.

Nobody is asking you to give away everything you own. In fact, a kid who gives away everything usually ends up resenting it later, which is not the goal. The goal is to start practicing, in small ways, the kind of giving that is not automatic — the kind where part of you really wanted to keep the thing, and you gave anyway.

A Story

The Ten Dollars and Two Sisters

Maya was seven. Her little sister, Juniper, was four. Maya had been saving for three whole months to buy a set of colored pencils she had seen at the art store — forty-eight colors, in a wooden case, with a small sharpener built in. The set cost ten dollars. Maya had saved exactly ten dollars and seventy-five cents.

The day before Maya’s trip to the art store, her mother sat both girls down at the kitchen table. A family they knew from down the street had had a hard month. The father had hurt his back and could not work, and the family was trying to figure out how to buy groceries. Maya’s mother was making a casserole to bring over. She asked if either girl wanted to put something in the little envelope she was going to tape to the top.

Juniper ran and got her piggy bank. She poured out everything she had — seventeen cents, a button, and two pennies that turned out to be Canadian. She put all of it in the envelope. Her mother thanked her gently and said it was very kind.

Maya looked at her own money. Ten dollars and seventy-five cents. She thought about the colored pencils. She thought about the three months of saving. She thought about how Juniper’s seventeen cents had been everything Juniper had.

Maya took out the seventy-five cents — the change, the extra — and put it in the envelope. “That’s for the family,” she said. She felt proud. Her mother smiled and said it was sweet of her.

That night Maya lay in bed and could not sleep. Something was bothering her, and she could not figure out what. She kept thinking about Juniper’s seventeen cents — all of her money — and her own seventy-five cents, which was not even one-tenth of what she had. She had given her leftover. Juniper had given her portion. They had both put money in the envelope. They had not really done the same thing.

In the morning, Maya came downstairs very quietly. Her mother was making coffee. “Mom,” Maya said, “I want to put more in the envelope.”

Her mother looked at her. “You don’t have to do that, sweetheart. Seventy-five cents was already kind.”

“I know,” Maya said. “But it wasn’t the same as Juniper’s. Mine didn’t feel like anything. Hers felt like her whole piggy bank. I want to give some of my pencil money. Not all of it. But some.”

They talked about it. Her mother did not push. Maya decided to put in three dollars, keeping seven — enough to buy a smaller set of colored pencils, twenty-four colors instead of forty-eight, with no wooden case. She went to the art store that afternoon and got the smaller set. It was fine. The colors were still bright. The paper case was a little flimsy.

That night Maya fell asleep fast. She did not feel proud in the big loud way she had felt the day before. She felt something quieter than that — a tired, small, good feeling. The next week, when she saw the family’s father wave at her from across the street, the wave felt different than it would have felt before. He did not know about the three dollars. Maya knew. That was enough.

Vocabulary

Leftover

What you have after you already have everything you wanted for yourself. Giving from your leftover is easy because it did not really belong to your plans.

Portion

The part of what you have that you were actually going to use or keep for yourself. Giving from your portion is harder because you wanted it.

Sacrifice

Choosing to give up something you wanted, for a reason that matters more to you than keeping it. A small sacrifice is still a real sacrifice.

Meaningful

Something that really means something to the person doing it. A gift is meaningful when giving it actually cost you, even a little.

Guided Teaching

Let’s think carefully about what Maya did. The first time, she gave seventy-five cents. That is not nothing. It was money she had earned. But it was also the change — the part of her pile that was not really in her plan. The pencils cost ten dollars exactly. The seventy-five cents had nowhere to go. Giving it was easy because she was not really giving anything she wanted.

Ask your child: when Maya gave the seventy-five cents, did it feel different to her than when Juniper gave her whole piggy bank? Why?

Here is an important idea that is easy to miss. Both Maya’s seventy-five cents and Juniper’s seventeen cents helped the family the same way. Money is money. The family could buy groceries with either one. So if we are just asking ‘did the gift help,’ both answers are yes.

But we are also asking another question: ‘what did the gift do inside the person who gave it?’ And that is where the difference shows up. Maya’s first gift did not change anything about Maya. She still had her pencil plan. She still had everything she had been saving for. Nothing about her was different than the day before.

Here is the second, harder question: is it fair to say a gift ‘cost’ you if you were not going to use that thing anyway? If you give away a toy you never play with, are you really being generous, or are you just cleaning your room?

Think about Maya’s second decision — three dollars instead of seventy-five cents. Three dollars changed her plan. Instead of the big wooden case with forty-eight colors, she had to get the smaller set. That is a small thing, not a big one. But it was real. Part of her wanted the wooden case and she gave up the chance to have it. That is the part where generosity starts doing its work.

The rule to notice: a gift that did not change your plan at all is fine, but it is not the kind of gift that makes you a different person. A gift that changed your plan, even a little, is the kind that does.

This is not a rule about always giving until it hurts. It is a warning against fooling yourself. Lots of people give a little out of their leftover and feel like they are very generous. A person who never gives anything they actually wanted is not really practicing generosity — they are practicing good housekeeping. Both are okay. They are not the same.

And one more thing: you get to choose how much. Maya did not give all seven dollars. She gave three and kept seven. That is still generosity. Real giving does not have to mean giving everything. It means giving on purpose, from your portion, in an amount you chose.

For Discussion

1. 1.Why didn’t Maya’s first gift of seventy-five cents feel like a real gift to her, even though it was money?
2. 2.Juniper gave her whole piggy bank and Maya gave seventy-five cents. Whose gift was bigger? Is ‘bigger’ the right question?
3. 3.Is it wrong to give away something you were not going to use anyway? Explain.
4. 4.Why do you think Maya felt ‘a quieter, smaller, good feeling’ after the three dollars, instead of the loud proud feeling she had after the seventy-five cents?
5. 5.Should you always give until it hurts? Why or why not?
6. 6.If you give up a plan you cared about — like Maya’s big pencil set — is that the same as giving money, or is it something else?
7. 7.What is one thing you have right now that you actually wanted for yourself but could imagine giving some of to someone who needs it more?

Practice

Your Portion, Not Your Leftover

1. 1.Think of one thing you are currently saving for or looking forward to. A toy. A book. A snack. A trip. Anything that is part of your plan.
2. 2.With a parent, think about someone you know (or a cause you know about) who could use a little help.
3. 3.Decide on a small amount of your plan that you want to give up on purpose. Not all of it. A piece of it. Something that will slightly change what you get to keep.
4. 4.Give it — quietly, no announcement. After you give it, write down one sentence about how it felt compared to giving something you did not care about.
5. 5.Show the sentence to your parent. Talk about whether you want to try this again later, and how often would feel right to you.

Memory Questions

1. 1.What is the difference between giving from your leftover and giving from your portion?
2. 2.Why did Maya feel different about her seventy-five cents and her three dollars?
3. 3.Does a gift have to hurt to count? Does a gift that didn’t cost you anything still help?
4. 4.Why might a kid who only gives away things they were not going to use anyway not really be growing in generosity?
5. 5.What does ‘sacrifice’ mean, and how is it different from just ‘losing something’?
6. 6.Do you have to give everything when you give ‘from your portion’? Why or why not?